i got the bluesss....

today ive been kinda mopey. just blahhh. i think its a combination of a few things. the weather is gray outside. i haven't slept well the past 3 nights. and im in a constant benadryl-induced fog. mom has me taking it around the clock, as often as im allowed to take it. which is almost miserable, however, it beats the alternative, itching and burning. my hives are still taking up residence on my body. and their population has grown and moved. the ones on my back have faded but they moved to my legs and collar bone area. the past two nights i have woken up to my port-a-cath hanging on by a thread because i scratch it without being aware in my sleep. its rather annoying. i have to wake my mom up to help me put it back on. poor mom. i think shes exhausted. i am too. i hope this ends soon. im on edge and irritable. tired and worn. gloomy and glum. cranky. and miserable. i need a happy pill. not like prozac. haha. but a real happy pill. thats what friends are for. theyre my happy pill. janie is going to come by tonight. ill be getting a small dose of happy pill. there's some good news! bless her heart, why would you want to be around me right now? mom would probably like to run away from me. bless her heart too. what would i do without her. i know i wouldn't be where i am today. on another note, i dont know if ill be going to the doctor again. if the benadryl clears this completely i wont. but if it looks like its just not going away ill have to. i can't take another week of this. i might rip my skin off if i do.

this weekend was lazy. i did make it out once to dad's church basketball game yesterday. i was sure i would be able to go to church this morning. i didnt sleep really at all. dozing in and out. scratching. tossing and turning. when my alarm went off i had every bone in my body wanting to get up and get ready. but my skin felt like every nerve ending was exposed, mom gave me benadryl and we decided it was best to stay home and rest. let the benadryl run its course. i am staying awake all day long. not wanting to take naps, i dont want to hinder my sleep at night. although, that hasn't seemed to matter the past two nights. o well. see? miss. negativity. debby downer. got the blues. blah. make it stop. i see the sun trying to peek out. maybe thatll help. im in some serious need of vitamin D. obviously, its too cold to get any today. but looking at it seems to help.

i dont know anything else new. nothing planned this week. that is always scary. something is bound to pop up. maybe something big will pop up? how amazing that would be. i dream about that day often. where will i be? what will i be doing? who will i be with? what time of day will it be? the unknown is killing me. its daunting. i dont dwell on it. im not worried about it. but the anticipation of something that could be 5 minutes away or 5 months away, that is what gets me. i know whenever it comes, ill stop and drop whatever im doing and go. no matter what. worrying doesn't help. so i dont do it. i pray for peace. and move along. thats all i can do. im not in charge. frankly, im glad im not in charge. im glad i can hand it over to Him. and He's glad to take it. so i let him. and move along.

so, nothing else is really new. resting and trying not to scratch. thats all i've got going on. so.

until then,

leigh allyn

Prayers:
~i feel better and stronger soon
~my hives clear up
~little Ansley