not in control

the past few days have been pretty good. sometimes i have to stop what im doing and what im thinking about at the moment and remind myself that i am on the transplant list. i guess what freaks me out the most is the actual phone call. because i have no idea whatsoever when it is coming. a few times since wednesday evening my phone has rang and it was a number i didn't recognize. i have to say my heart literally dropped. its just that initial "ohmygoodness is this the phone call?"... im not really scared about anything except that initial phone call. i think about scenarios in my head of what i would do depending on where i am when i get it...if i were at church, and in the middle worship service i would get up to answer. but, then would i RUN in and shout it to everyone that i got my lungs?!? haha. probably not. or what if im not with my mom or dad. or if its while im eating dinner out? or with my friends? i just dont know!? and thats what i do not like. is not being in control. not knowing. its driving me crazy. but thats when i just have to keep telling myself that God is in control. it is so hard though. but i can't go on doing this, it hasn't even been a week since i was put on the list. it could be another year, and i cant drive myself crazy like this for a year! so i pray for peace because im gonna go crazy if i dont.

i had a pretty good weekend. the antibiotics kicked in about mid-day saturday. today has been great. sunday i think i got my appetite back somewhat. i haven't been "turning my nose up" to food like i normally do, and i've been eating more at meals. im really hoping these new antibiotics are the trick and i get better and start gaining some weight! i also want to start feeling better so i will work out more. im supposed to be really working on my upper body weight... once i have the surgery i wont be able to use my upper body for a little while, so they want me to be good and strong before the surgery so i dont lose all of my muscle use. i just have a hard time getting motivated to work out. but when i am feeling good i seem to have a better time getting motivated, so i hope i get better for this too.

this week isn't going to be too eventful. ill be going to rehab, of course. {i only have 4 visits left!} im also going to be working on christmas presents, so that will keep me busy!

until then,

leigh allyn

Prayers:
~peace and comfort for me
~these antibiotics do the trick
~aaron and family
~tammys father-in-law and family