wheres the silver lining they talk about?

sorry i haven't written in so long. there hasn't been really anything new going on good or bad. no changes. everything is about the same. which is kind of discouraging. my energy is getting a little bit better. two days last week i was able to babysit Dominic for a few hours- we were stuck in the master bedroom because they are having renovations done in all of their downstairs so it was a bit easier being confined to a smaller area. however, i don't think we could've been stuck in there for 10 hours! he is such a good little boy it makes it nice to be able to watch him. i don't have to chase him around saying NO! NO!. haha. unfortunately i won't be able to watch him this week:( jen needed someone thurs and friday at 6:30AM!!! and i just don't think i would be able to watch him from early in the mornin for like ten hours. i hate that i cant. im soooo tired of being sick! im SO ready to get back to normal im ready to pull my hair out! its so frustrating. i will feel good all day except i have one sinking spell for about 2 hours a day where i have a fever and just can't seem to get off the couch. but for the time i feel good i feel like i can conquer anything and that i won't have a fever...then BAM it hits me.

today was kind of a rough day. i was home alone all day cuz mom and dad had to work. i woke up at like 6 AM feeling punk with a fever so mom brought me motrin. when i woke up at 9 i felt a little better and did my morning routine blahblahblah. then i sat outside for about 20 minutes with the dogs to get some fresh air. welll after that i wanted to make lunch; which turned out to be terrible so i just drank a health shake. once again, appetite ruined. ugh. well then i started to have a fever again and this strange pain in my back (my lung). mom said its prob just where i'm not getting much movement and not enough nutrition. i took a nap and it subsided somewhat. but its still there. im sooo mad. i feel like im stuck in a rut. like my feet are stuck in concrete and i can't go anywhere no matter what i do. and i've lost so much weight i hate looking in the mirror. i know thats kind of dramatic. but i know when i look in the mirror im reminded of how much weight i've lost and how sick i've been. i only wear sweatpants because thats what fits me the best. jeans? ha. none of my jeans fit right now.... and im so pale it kinda makes me laugh. i think my 3 year old niece is darker than me! at the hospital doctors would say- Oh you're the same color as the sheets!- really doc? thanks for tellin me cuz i didn't know!! i guess im feeling sorry for myself... NO i can't do that! it will only make me weaker. i try to see the silver lining but it is sooo far away. esp on a cloudy day like today... well i guess this is just one day im a little down. am i allowed one sad day? i dont think i should be. i have to stay positive. there's no reason to feel sorry. it could be SO much worse. im positive after this is all over i will be stronger. at least i have a roof over my head. and both of my parents have a job. that i can live with my parents. and have strong people like you praying for me. im so thankful for what i have. for what i am. and for what this will do for me. OH! how it could be so much worse!!! i read other blogs of sick kids and families that aren't sure how much longer their babies are going to live. i see families that have it so much worse off than me; they don't have jobs, they've lost their homes, they don't know what they'll eat for there next meal. people out there that are much more sick than i-but that don't know God, and that don't have people praying for them, and that can't have a positive outlook on things becuase they don't know that it can get better and that it could be alot worse.

thank you God for my troubles. because i can handle my troubles.

so this is it for now. nothing new. all the same. i think we may call dannette tomorrow, see if there is anything different we can do... ill let you know of any changes.

until then,

leigh allyn

Prayers:
~that things will get better very very soon
~that i can see the silver lining